Counselling, CBT Therapy in Golders Green NW11, Finchley and Hendon

Anxiety, Guilt and Depression and how they link up

Feeling anxious and stressed is a part of the modern world we live in. At times, it’s almost as if we’re telling ourselves, being stressed is a good thing. We’re active, we’re busy, we’re meeting our deadlines and coping – a sign of how involved and engaged we are in finding a purpose in life. 

But stress beyond a certain point can be a problem, and this is where understanding what anxiety is about can help. Some anxiety and stress can be a good thing. Before an interview or something that needs a lot of engagement, anxiety can help you prepare and get ready for what lies ahead. But beyond a certain point, being anxious and its more obvious expression, feeling stressed, can be a distraction. 

Rather than engaging with what needs to be done - for example with a problem at work or a relationship that has run into difficulties - you look for ways of coping with the anxiety. This can involve procrastinating, avoiding meeting people, getting angry in inappropriate ways, perhaps compulsively doing things or using alcohol or drugs. But more importantly, something that is about taking away the stress, rather than channelling the anxiety and engaging with what needs to be done. In this sense anxiety is a call to action, and when it is not channelled into what is there to be done, it leads to more anxiety and a feeling of guilt. 

FEELING GUILTY

Feeling guilty when you have done something ‘wrong’ is a normal part of living. When you break the moral code you have been brought up with, it is usually considered a sign of health, that you feel guilty about this and want to make amends for what you have done.   

The key here is that you are conscious of what you have done and realise what this sense of guilt is saying to you.  But when you feel guilty and it becomes a pervasive feeling, which is not attached to something you have said or done, then this can become a problem. 

Often, once you begin to get in touch with this critical feeling of guilt, you can see how cutting a voice it is, but not because of some wrong you have actually done, but because you, or the totality that is you, has done something wrong, and this guilty voice is insistent on telling you this. A minor error at work, not getting something done on time, saying something incorrectly, taking a comment as a criticism and that negative, critical voice kicks in – ‘You’re always getting it wrong’, ‘They’ll think I’m stupid’, ‘I must get it right’, and often ending up with a kind of total negative statement such as ‘I’m pathetic’ or ‘I’m a failure’. 

Here, it is true that something you have done may be an error, but the level of the guilty feeling far exceeds what is appropriate, and probably is not appropriate at all.  Also, it extends to you as a person and in a very negative way.  You as a totality are bad or wrong, and then you start making demands on yourself, such as ‘I must get it right’, demands which often won’t tolerate any minor infringements, and simply can’t be met, which then further contributes to the feelings of guilt and the negative thoughts. 

And when you feel this inappropriate guilt, there will be anxiety there as well.  The anxiety is appropriate, in the sense that you do have a problem, but it is not the problem as you define it.  You are telling yourself that you are the problem, because you’ve got something wrong, when in fact the problem is that you are defining yourself in a particularly negative and critical way.  

But when this feeling of guilt is excessive and not really attached to something , you will also become anxious as the feeling of guilt grows, and then in a negative way they can start to feed off each other.  Here you are not looking forward and channelling the anxiety into what needs addressing, but looking backwards and emphasising the critical, guilty feelings about what you are supposed to have done and getting anxious in the process.