WHAT IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL ADDICTION
A psychological addiction works in the same way as a physical addiction. But is hard to see in another person and even more so in yourself, as it is a state of mind. But the psychological urge is the same as in a physical addiction, in that you feel this need to go down a particular path as a way of coping, even though from a more rational perspective, it doesn’t make sense.
KIRA AND PROBLEMS AT WORK
Kira had come to realise in the therapy that when a piece of work came up that was demanding and would ‘challenge’ her and she was asked if she would like to take it on, she would often find a way of not doing it. But other colleagues who were less knowledgeable, and even though it obviously made them anxious and was clearly experienced as a challenge, would take on the work.
As she talked about it, she came to see she did want to do the work. It would help to do well in the company, increase her chances of promotion and at the same time increase her knowledge base. This was a clear and real desire on her part, and yet she came to realise she would almost invariable pull back and stick to what she knew, rather than putting herself out there and taking on the ‘challenge’ of something she did not know how to do at first and would involve having to learn new things. But perhaps more importantly she started to ask herself, ‘Why would I do that when I want to get on in the company and do well’?
KIRA’S FAMILY
As the therapy had progressed, she talked about her family and passed relationships. Much of it centred around the father who had a problem with alcohol and would become irritable and critical when drinking. Her older brother, ‘wouldn’t accept the father’s nastiness lying down’ when he criticised him and would argue back, as would the mother when he tried to bully her. But Kira, who was more shy, coped with the anxiety and stress of her father’s bullying by stepping away and taking up a position of not engaging. That fitted more with her personality and was the way she coped with the family circumstances she was growing up in.
COPING AS BEST YOU CAN
And it’s worth remembering that as a child you obviously can’t leave the situation you are in, and you don’t yet have the mental capacity to figure out what’s going on and do something about it. In short that’s the way things are and you, given who you are, develop your particular way of dealing with the situation
HOW IT BECOMES A FIX
But then how does the addiction, to this way of coping, arise? It starts in childhood where a particular way of coping, becomes over time, a part of who you are and is brought into play, or returned to, when there is a something that is troubling you and making you anxious. Then it is easier to go to what you know, or put another way, there is an attachment to and an attraction towards that particular way of managing or coping with the situation. This is the psychological addiction – an addiction to going down the path you know so well. It’s the easy way to go, the path of least resistance. It’s like getting your fix, you’re on the path you know well, and for a short time, just like with a physical addiction, you feel better.
SEEING THE ADDICTION
And the addictive quality, in a paradoxical way, becomes more apparent when you start to see what you’re doing. You see it, but when the challenge is there, Kira would step back. But it was, as she really started to see and understand that it was a temporary fix, and that while the fix had worked before, the temporary release it gave was now short lived, and becoming more so as time went by. It was this seeing of what she was doing, and how it was making her stressed and unhappy that gave her the motivation to take on new challenges at work, and say no to that particular psychological addiction of hers.
ADDRESSING THE CHALLENGE
It wasn’t easy stepping away from that well-worn path which you can go down without even realising you are on it. But as you take on the ‘challenge’ you become more confident and the addiction starts to lose its hold. It also reduces that capacity for negative thinking when you don’t rise to the challenge, feel guilty, and then become critical of yourself, in what at times can feel like a treadmill. Finally, you also have that satisfaction, in an existential sense, of seeing and understanding who you are, and being truer to yourself, rather than avoiding that difficulty you are facing.